misc. thoughts

mainly a diary and other small thoughts

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    sun 20/08/23 - the joy of walking

    i went for a walk this morning and it was wonderful!! i went a different direction from my normal route and ended up at the bookstore. i bought a graphic novel 'are you still listening?' by tillie walden. her previous work, 'spinning', was great, so i've had my eye on this one for a while! the art looks beautiful, so i'm excited to read it. it was nice seeing different sights - lots of parents and kids playing in the park and people doing some sunday shopping. i felt so peaceful and immersed in the world. when i go for walks, my thoughts end up on a very peaceful trajectory and i always feel better for it.

    wed 19/07/23 - assertiveness + disillusionment

    i'm finally learning to be assertive at work and share my thoughts more confidently. i think it's a good skill and something that will benefit me a lot, since sometimes i become passive and detached as a way of protecting myself from criticism. if i don't really believe or care about what i'm saying, you can't hold me accountable, right? but this way of living can be very demotivating, and it feels good to share my ideas and contribute more. even if i feel uncomfortable. i worry that being assertive will be interpreted as bossiness - even though i'm unlearning it, sometimes i still doubt myself or question if i've gone too far (when in reality i know as long as i remain open to other people's ideas, there's nothing wrong with voicing my own and being heard). i'm glad i have supportive coworkers and bosses who encourage me to speak up!

    but i am also starting to feel disillusioned. i like where i work, but [redacted]. i worry that even if things do improve, i'll always feel bitter about this period of time.

    and when i see the cost of making art that is truly regarded as 'great' it makes me wonder if i truly want to be part of this industry at all. across the spiderverse was a beautiful movie, but it hurts to know it came at a human cost - it feels like brutal crunch and overtime are necessary to create anything of artistic merit in a corporate environment. otherwise you end up with the minimum viable product, which is usually not that noteworthy... how much would i be willing to sacrifice in that position? i dont know if i could give up my personal time to go all in on a production, even though i generally enjoy my work...

    and that doesn't even touch on the increasing prevalance of ai art, ESPECIALLY in commerical entertainment (looking at u, marvel), which just makes me want to slam my head into the desk because it makes me so mad. the current landscape of entertainment art feels unbelievably bleak and exploitative right now.

    i think that's why it's more important than ever that artists continue to make work from the heart. there are still beautiful and meaningful shows, movies, comics and games being made - it's important to support them wherever possible. it's also why it feels crucial to me that i find my own artistic voice, separate to my job. it doesn't have to be palatable to a general audience, or commericially viable. it just has to be true to myself, because that's when the process of creating art feels worth it.

    this was a very cynical diary entry. i don't think i can feel differently in this moment, but i don't want to stay this way either. listening to radiohead on loop at work probably doesn't help either HAHA :p

    [after writing, i removed some parts that are too personal to post. but i didn't want to restructure the rest of the entry to make sense haha]

    mon 17/07/23 - personal style

    lately i've been wanting to change my style, but i feel hesitant to spend the money on clothes. over time, i've started to find clothing i feel happy and confident in so it would be nice to go more in that direction. but sometimes clothes shopping makes me feel worse about myself.

    i like more gender neutral clothing, but i feel like when i wear it, it always highlights how feminine my figure is when i can see my hips or chest creating tension in the folds. but i don't really like wearing big baggy clothes either.. sigh. i sometimes feel pulled between what is 'flattering' on me - usually more feminine clothing that is form fitting - and the clothes i actually want to wear. i know there's no reason i can't wear them, but i guess i wish i looked like the people wearing them too. which makes me kinda sad.

    i didn't mean for this to take a negative turn. i think over the past few years i've become more condfident and accepting, but it's something i want to keep improving.

    fri 23/06/23 - slipping

    these past few weeks i felt like my mental health was starting to slip again, and everything takes so much effort. getting up for work every morning takes more and more effort. i think the cold weather and shorter days don't help, plus the general stress and extra responsibilities at work feel like a constant energy drain. and the future is very uncertain right now - i'm not sure what my life will look like by november - there are certain unknowns that could change it drastically.

    i kept telling myself, 'just one more day and tomorrow you can have a mental health day' everyday. but today i finally took the day off and it was really nice... i relaxed and did things i enjoy, and i watched 'the sound of music' for the first time (it was so good??). even though it's not the full solution to my issues, i feel so much better and also grateful that i have sick leave for moments like this. i mean, i have the energy to update this site finally, which is good, because i've wanted to for a while now!!

    tue 21/03/23 - endless appointments

    this past week has been filled with drawing, morning walks, work andddd doctors appointments. it's a pain to shedule them and make up the time at work, but they are pretty long overdue so i'm glad i'm finally prioritising my health a bit more.

    past that, there's not really much to say! i finally made a media page and i think i do wanna create a little gallery for my art this weekend too! and a perfume page. the weather is cooling down, which makes me happy because i was finally able to try my sample of plush from MiN new york. it smells so cozy and beautiful and lasted alll day!! today i made the effort to get up earlier, put on a cute outfit and makeup, and go for a walk before work - i treated myself to a hot chocolate too and it was delicious!

    mon 13/03/23 - the long weekend

    i had a 4 day weekend this week!! it was SO nice and i feel really refreshed!! the most noteworthy moments were checking out a gaming convention, watching porco rosso for the first time (i really enjoyed it!) doing some thrift shopping and going on some nice long walks :3 but i spent most of the time at home relaxing, which was exactly what i wanted to do!

    i loved going for walks this weekend - i'd like to try going for walks most days going forwards - i walk a bit on my way to and from work, but i'm usually always rushing instead of enjoying myself and being present in the moment. so i'd like to make more of an effort to walk for leisure and relaxation (and exercise!) rather than just getting from point A to B. even if that means i get up a bit earlier or make some time to walk different routes on my way back from work.

    i feel like i was able to appreciate the area i live in more - there were lots of areas i didn't even know of that were really pleasant to walk through. i feel really fortunate to live somewhere i can walk easily and safely, and it's nice to be near some interesting places, even if they are urban rather than natural. (i really miss walking in natural areas but it's so difficult to get out of the city.) also i think it will be good for me to move more, since sitting all day at work is really starting to make me feel sore.

    i'll try go on daily walks for the rest of the month and see how it makes me feel! i'm glad i had this long weekend - i feel so much better and like i'm ready to face the next few days at work :3

    tue 07/03/23 - excited about art

    so i was going to spend these past few days working on the site, creating a button and writing about some of the artists i like, but then... i got excited about making art again!!!! i'm making some ocs and having a surprising amount of fun!! i think they speak to an idea i'm fond of, so it's easier to get attached. i'm trying to not really talk about it tho, since i feel like when i start telling people about things, i lose my motivation ;; i'll just let them live in my head and in my sketchbook for a while :3 for a moment, i felt bad about not working on this site as much over the past few days, but i've been struggling with feeling motivated to make personal art for so long, so i think i will prioritise this feeling for a bit and try to nurture it.

    i don't know where the motivation came from. i think taking a break from personal art to work on my website for a few weeks actually really helped since i stopped pressuring myself so much and dwelling on my lack of motivation.

    i finally went to the doctor today as well - i can't remember the last time i went and i was kind of nervous, but the doctor i saw was really nice and thorough which made me feel reassured.

    i'm excited for the long weekend coming up. my goals are to do a thorough clean of my room, look at some thrift stores, and then draw and work on my site - it will be nice!!

    thu 02/03/23 - nostalgia...

    i almost finished the revamp i have planned!! just need to make the welcome/index page and add some music, but i think i will reach my goal!!

    my anxiety started getting better this week - sometimes i still feel randomly anxious, but i made an effort to get more sleep and eat even when i didn't have much appetite, and i think it helped.

    last week, i went through some old photos and became very nostalgic - normally i feel happy, but this time it made me really upset, because i missed being in my first year of uni. it was exciting to be at the beginning of something new. i just had the goal of learning as much as i could over the next 3 years so i could become a concept artist. now that i've reached the goal, it's become a normal 9-5 that just repeats every week. it's not that i don't like my job, but i miss the flexibility of being a student. now my life is so structured (though the structure also has its benefits!).

    sometimes nostalgia makes me forget the bad. i also remember it was a time of uncertainty - i had much more self doubt then, and even though in hindsight i remember it as a carefree time, i was constantly stressed about my assignments and juggling them with my part time job haha - i was always working or stressed that i wasn't working. AND my family situation was not good then either - i was under a lot of stress.

    despite all that, when i would walk to the bus stop early in the mornings for my classes, i tried to savour the moment, because i knew i'd miss it when it was over. i'm happy i was able to appreciate it while it lasted. i'll probably look back at this time and feel nostalgic for it too, so i might as well enjoy it and live fully instead of yearning for the past. i can't get those days back, but i'm glad i made the most of them while they lasted. i should do the same for the present moment too. :)

    sun 26/02/23 - progress,,,

    just a little update today! i've been working revamping the site to match more with my current tastes - it's still kinda messy but heading in a direction i like now! and i'm learning lots along the way. the diary page is done! once i have the home page and art page set up, i'll update the site! my personal goal is to do it before the end of next week - i will do my best!!

    i went to the markets and bought some pretty bowls today as well - i love them so much. yesterday i went to the city to draw with n - we ended up talking about narrative in games :)

    thu 23/02/23 - haircut and other updates

    i got a haircut today - i can't decide if it looks cute or stupid but i'm really happy it's a shorter length again. when it gets long, i start to feel miserable. the hairdresser was really nice too.

    i stayed late at work to make up for the missed time bc of my haircut, and i overheared some interesting gossip,,, but then i felt anxious about the fact that i had evesdropped and heard the gossip.

    the past 2 days i've gotten progressively more anxious and uneasy. it's so weird that last friday i felt so jubilant and exicted about being alive, and now i feel this horrible dread over some unknown circumstance... i just want it to go away. i'm trying not to withdraw into myself this time though and ask for help from my gf - it helps a lot.

    anyway i've been working on some new layouts for this site and i like the direction!! but i spend so much time picking different colours in the css sheet lmao. when i see someone else's website, i think 'yes, of course, those are the perfect colours! they chose them just right - this feels so true to them' but when i try to pick colours i like, i feel like such a fraud haha. i guess that's what happens when i have too much control.

    tue 21/02/23 - indecision!!

    i've been feeling conflicted tonight - i tried brainstorming some ways i could organise this site and felt super indecisive!! feelings of indecision often cause me to freeze up and retreat away :(

    i want my website to be organised and clear! with everything in neat categories and easy to find. but i also want it to be an earnest representation of who i am and what i enjoy. i don't think it's possible to achieve both, because people are complicated - there's just too much overlap in all the things that make us whole to divide it all up into neat categories. i think i've fallen into the trap of putting too much pressure on myself again >< when i equate 'true' with 'the entire self',then true representation of the self just isn't possible. and when i think about it more, i don't want this website to serve as my 'entire self' - i owe myself a bit more nuance and flexibility!!

    SO all this said, i'm going to strip back my plans for the site a bit and allow things to get a bit more jumbled. i can always change things later! i want:

    • a perfume collection page
    • a place to blog about my thoughts on art and artists i like (i want to keep this organised to i can refer to it easier)
    • a diary/thought log - this can be very broad and encompass anything that doesn't have a specific place
    • about, guestbook and links/resources page + an album of my fave pics
    things i'm still not sure about:
    • music page - maybe it's enough to just list my fave albums in the about section. same for any favourite media listings
    • media review section - ESPecially for books because i'm trying to read more and i want to find my thoughts on the books i read in one spot. i'm just not sure the best way to format it... i can research this!

    mon 20/02/23 - reading manga and plans for the site

    today after work i read the manga 'The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn't a Guy At All' by Arai Sumiko - it was super cuteee!!! the two main characters are really lovable, and i really enjoyed all the outfits they wore - i love when you can tell an author is super passionate about the topics they depict in their work. it's clear the mangaka really appreciates alt music and fashion - all the small details in koga's outfits made them feel so real and helped make her feel genuinely cool and stylish. it made me wanna dress like her haha. i'm excited to follow the story as it continues updating!

    i'd love to make a reading log and interests page, but i think the way i want to set it up is currently beyond my web-design skill level. i noticed some websites that lay out their interests in an efficient way that i enjoy and find clear to navigate tend to use iframes or scripts, so i will research them and try to understand how they work.

    as i learn more about web design and what kinda styles i enjoy, i think the layout of this website will change a lot! every time i learn something new, i feel compelled to start over, but then part of me worries if the best approach is starting over or expanding on what i already have! i think i'd learn more from starting over though, so i will try that. i might not make any updates for a bit while i work on it! bye for now!

    sun 19/02/23 - first diary entry!

    hello, this is my first diary entry! i recently discovered neocities and i can't remember the last time i had so much fun online like this! seeing all these different web pages where people are able to create their own space that's completely unique to them really inspired me - tbh i can't remember the last time i got so immersed in something compared to this haha. learning HTML and CSS has been challenging for me but really fun - it feels so rewarding when i'm able to create something functional that matches with what i envisioned! right now, my site looks pretty simple while i learn and get the basic infrastructure set up, but once that's done, i really want to decorate it and make it feel alive :3 anyway

    i had a nice day yesterday! i went to a local farmer's market with my friend and picked up a couple of really nice things! i got some floral honey mustard, some gozleme, a bouquet of some blue thistles (echinops), and some books: an book of floral illustrations and shakespeare's 'much ado about nothing' - the flowers and shakespeare were for my gf, and we cooked the gozleme for lunch.

    i'm currently reading 'misery' by stephen king - i'm still not sure what i think about it, but i'm past the half-way point and it is getting pretty exciting(in the way where you anticipate something very bad is going to happen haha) so i'd like to see how it ends!