03/12/24 - Hand update

It's been almost 2 months since I injured my hand. Unfortunately, I think it has gotten worse in the past few weeks, after showing signs of improvement ;____; It depresses me that I can't really even hold a pencil for more than a minute these days without experiencing some kind of pain - I'll talk to my hand therapist about it in my next appointment. I think that's all the specifics I really wanna go into about it for now.

It's strange - so much of my identity is rooted in creating art - it's the way I most enjoy and feel I can communicate ideas I'm interested in. I worked for so many years to be better at this one skill, and I'm in love with the medium, so I don't really want to learn a different one. I think I Will recover, but it's going to take a lot of time, and does put me in a difficult position with work. I just can't do the bare minimum without injuring myself further and prolonging recovery. I'm nervous knowing that each day brings me closer to the time required for an injury to be considered 'chronic'. I don't think it's worth sacrificing my health for work, but I care about my coworkers and know they're relying on me. I hate letting them down, and I feel embarassed but I know I can't keep up without my dominant hand, despite my best efforts to limit usage.

There are some silver linings - I picked up running, read and watched more media, hung out with friends more, and written on days where I have the tolerance to type. I've sincerely enjoyed these things a lot! But I miss drawing more than anything, and being depressed just makes me wish I could draw even more.

I think I have a tendency to withdraw when I get sad like this - I'm sorry for neglecting guestbook comments and replies, though I do geniunely appreciate them so much! I will try to resist my impulse to disappear!

I have 2 pages remaining for the 8 page comic, though I haven't touched it at all since my hand started to worsen. I'm still really excited to finish it, but I'm sad it's taken so long, and I worry about recovering my pace, since I want to make more work in future. BUT I JUST GOTTA BE PATIENT!!!! This will pass - it might take a while for me to regain my strength, and I might have to make sacrifices to do so, but it will come back to me. I just need to give myself the time to heal. Also I think I really will try to improve my left hand drawing skills - maybe I can document that instead haha!

09/10/24 - STUPIDITY!!!!!

Well, it finally happened. I got my first wrist injury :( It happened on Friday - I was life drawing and had my drawing pad at a bad angle when I felt something pinch in my thumb, and it still hurt on the weekend. I saw the doctor on Monday and she says it's probably RSI. I got referred to a hand therapist that I'll see next week - until then, I should only draw for work and stop immediately if I feel any pain... and no personal work.

I'm so frustrated with myself!! I'm finally at a point where I'm SO excited to be making art - I had such good momentum on the comic that it's actually painful to force myself to stop. And I'm stressed about work and a commission I took on this month too (with a deadline). Fortunately it doesn't hurt to draw, but I know I need to reduce my usage as much as possible so it heals up quickly, since certain movements still cause pain. Even though it's not painful to draw, it's made me so hesitant. I know my output at work over the next week is crucial, and yet when I draw I feel like my hand is made of glass, like I'm scared to move it the way I want out of fear of straining it further. My concepts work is slower and feels so stiff.

I feel resentful that I still draw for work but have to restrict all my personal art time... I know that this is the trade off of being a professional, and I need to protect my livelihood, but personal work feels vastly more important to me... because it fulfills me so much more. Even just drawing on my lunch breaks helped me get through the day... it's only been half a week and I miss it so much already - I even started drawing with my left hand. I'm scared that even by just limiting myself to work drawing, I'll still strain my hand further and worsen the injury.

In truth, I'm probably being over-cautious and over-dramatic. Drawing at work doesn't cause much if any pain at the moment. And people get injured and then proceed to recover from said injury all the time. But this has made me realise how dependent I am on a handful (haha) of tendons for my income, my joy, my fulfillment.... that scares me. And the idea that maybe there's a finite number of lines I can draw before my hand breaks down makes me never want to draw another fucking line for work ever again. But still, I'll be at my desk tomorrow churning out concepts.

I want to try put a hopeful or positive spin on this, but that can come later... I Know I am overreacting. But right now I just feel really bitter and frustrated with myself. If you are reading this,,, PRACTICE GOOD DRAWING POSTURE AT ALL TIMES PLEASEEEEE don't be like me and draw in a stupid position because you wanted to capture the model from a particular angle... it is so not worth it.

01/10/24 - Starting a comic

Just a little update, I started working on a small 8 page comic about my OCs and... I'm having a lot of fun!! It's based on the poem 'Only Until This Cigarette Is Ended' by Edna St. Vincent Millay. I stumbled across it by chance and it really stuck with me - I loved the imagery, and thematically, it reminded me a lot of one of my characters. It's been a really fun challenge to try to visually capture the way this poem makes me feel in a way that compliments the text, without being overly literal or so removed that the images and text feel disjointed - it's pushed me in a lot of ways!

I think using existing text is a nice jumping off point to get back into this goal since it gives me something to work with - I can focus on panelling/pacing/visual problem solving without stressing about the quality of the writing. That said, I definitely want to try my hand at writing the next comics I make, since I think it's an area I need to improve!

The thumbnails are done now (except one page that needs a tiny bit of tweaking), so I can hopefully start inking it soon!

As I've been working on it, I show it to my friend for feedback and it's been a really great experience. I'm very grateful to receieve honest and engaged feedback and also encouragement. I think it definitely has helped me push myself more and improve the quality!

I feel kinda scared to start inking it because I just KNOW that the way I see it in my head is above my current skill, but I'm also really excited to be able to hold it in my hands... so I'll just have to be strong and overcome my hesitance! "> ^<

16/09/24 - Trying even if it's bad... for real this time!

Last year, I wrote an entry called '20/08/23 - Trying even if it's bad' where I said I was going to make some short comics, even if they were bad, as a way to become more familiar with the medium! I meant this very sincerely... then I played Baldur's Gate 3 and I had no interest in making comics or really doing anything other than drawing Gale, kissing Gale, and thinking about Gale (the fictional wizard from said game... he is very real in my heart). Needless to say, this vow of mine went unfulfilled... and I felt a little embarassed about even declaring it at all since for a while after that I had no interest in making comics.

But then I redeveloped an interest in OCs and my Gale obsesson chilled out into something much more casual, and the idea of making comics returned! I wanted my OC comic to be something short, but the story ballooned out to something well beyond what I think I'm capable of telling at this point in life, and I'm too attatched to cut it down (I simply do not have the stamina or experience to take on a long comic project without burning out or giving up, and this is ok - I believe this is a muscle I can train.) (Also, I'd like to still make some shorter comics about these characters regardless. But there's a particular story I want to tell about them that I know requires more time and space.)

In this past year, I've thought more about what kind of media and subject matters I enjoy in fiction, and I've exposed myself to a lot more of it, particularly in the past few months! Last year, when I made my comics vow, I had really read very little comics in general, let alone recently! I just... struggled to get into them. But I realise now I was just reading the wrong comics for me - in truth, there are so many comics/manga/graphic novels I've read recently and I have loved almost all of them!! I just needed to find the ones that interested me! (Same with books - read a lot of great stuff this year but gonna try stay focused on comics!)

I think my understanding and appreciation for comics has expanded a lot, and I have a better idea of the kind of work I want to make. I recently watched Victoria Ying's comic making course on Schoolism, which answered a lot of questions I had about the comic making process. Her course walks through the process of making an 8 page comic... so that is what I plan to do now!(between professional development related projects.. sob)

I'm excited!! I think now I'm less focused on creating comics that I thinkkk people would want to see and more on what I think would be interesting for me to make and read! Because now I know that there is a place in comics for what I find interesting - yippee!! Not just because I've read comics that interest me, but because I think my understanding has expanded enough to know I can just... make that place for myself if it doesn't exist - I can use the medium to create whatever story I want. Knowing this is just the first step though... I think doing it will be a whole new challenge haha.

I've got some ideas that I think I can execute in 8 pages now... so it will just be a matter of actually doing it! I'm gonna try my best!!

• Downfall - Inio Asano: beautiful artwork!! Enjoyed the dark tone and the flawed characters.
• Welcome Back Aureole - Takamatsu Misaki - Really cute, loved the dynamic between the two characters overtime.
• Welcome Back Alice - Shūzō Oshimi - Went into this hestitant but compelled by the beautiful cover... in the end I loved it! Very sincere - cemented this author as a favourite of mine!
• Blood on the Tracks - Shūzō Oshimi
• Sweet Poolside - Shūzō Oshimi
• Tiny Dancer - Siena Cherson Siegel, Mark Siegel
• reread This One Summer - Mariko Tamaki, Jillian Tamki: still one of my all time favourite graphic novels. Beautiful art, quiet moments. Serene at times, yet so tense.
• Skim - Mariko Tamaki, Jillian Tamaki
• The Alcoholic - Jonathan Ames: very raw and vulnerable - couldn't put it down!
• Fun Home - Alison Bechdel - saw the musical last year and had perhaps the most visceral, intense response to a piece of media in my life. It really affected me. I loved the comic too - a heavy read.
• Ducks: Two Years in the Oil Sands - Kate Beaton: very thought provoking - depressed me but gave me a lot to chew on.
• The Man from the Great North - Hugo Pratt: didn't enjoy this too much but I loved the art.
• Look Back - Tatsuki Fujimoto: I loved this!! I've enjoyed Fujimoto's one shots... makes me wonder if I should check out Chain Saw Man
• Just Listen To The Song - Tatsuki Fujimoto, Oto Toda
• Shot and Chaser (ongoing webcomic!) (+Sweet Abilene - side comic of the same characters) - E.K Weaver : this comic is gorgeous and so inspiring to me... I want to make work like this. Highly recommend!
• Monotone Blue - Nagabe
• Odalisk - Mikoto (indie comic on itch.io!) - gorgeous style and story - I would highly recommend!
• Don't Care If You're Shepherding A Ghost - Edie Bush (from local zine shop) - I never played AFLW but it still made me feel so seen somehow... I want to read more local comics.
• ... along with others I have probably forgotten or didn't finish.

I also attended a local zine and comics fair this weekend which was very motivating! I'm so excited to read some of the work I picked up there. I also feel double motivated because one of the stallholders is an old aquantance who I ran into a few months back and told I was interested in making original work. But a few months have passed and I had nothing to show for myself wHICH I don't think he dwelled on, BUT it was mildly embarassing for me. SO I WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR MYSELF in the next few months lol.

16/09/24 - Practicing discomfort

Recently, I've been thinking about the idea of 'praciticing discomfort'. This came about after a situation at arose at work that made me feel frustrated and demotivated and devalued - I spoke to a coworker who has kind of been a mentor for me over the past few years and she talked about when she had experienced something similar.

She said sometimes you need to put yourself into uncomfortable situations as part of advocating for yourself, and it's part of developing a sense of self worth WHICH WAS DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO HEAR because I knew she was right. I feel a strong aversion to asking for things at the risk of coming across as greedy, ungrateful and arrogant - how can I be dissatisfied with work when I should be grateful to even have a job?? I had never asked anything of my employer my whole working life (except the occasional leave request), always just accepting things as they were, and for the most part, all my employers have been very good to me so I never felt the need.

Since starting this job a few years back, I've learned a lot, both with regards to my technical ability, but also on a personal level. I've become a more confident and communicative person, and my intitial imposter syndrome has eased a lot (though it does still appear from time to time). So I think this feeling of being 'wronged' is a natural result of developing a stronger sense of self worth. In the past, under similar circumstances, I've held onto this feeling quietly, and it only lead to resentment and bitterness. It makes me a little sad, because I remember hearing a quote about how once you become jaded with work, it kind of stays that way, and so far I've found that to be true... though maybe it's just that I'm less naive (because I sincerely believed that my workplace was Perfect for the first year of my employment, even though I knew surely that couldn't be possible - now I know there are many issues). Regardless, I was tired of stewing in resentment and self pity and I didn't want to do it again. So it was time to self advocate...

I set up a meeting with my boss which was very daunting - I think I only did it because my partner was holding me accountable. I felt sick to my stomach for the whole week leading up to it. I spoke to my friend who is very passionate about self advocacy and she gave me some very comforting advice (basically, be firm and honest, but polite). The meeting itself was also nervewracking, and a bit awkward, but by that point I was Locked In!!!! Focused!!! And then, just like that it was over, and I felt so relieved that it was done! Now I know what I can hope to expect over the next few months and if shit still sucks, then I will hit da bricks (hopefully)!!

The result of the meeting was... mixed. Even though I didn't get the outcome I wanted, I felt heard and like I represented myself well. Despite the outcome, I felt genuinely proud of myself for doing it, and that was a good feeling! And I was so grateful for having coworkers, friends and a partner who were supportive and empathetic, but also encouraged me forward. I felt like I'd grown a lot by putting myself into that situation - in truth, it really was incredibly uncomfortable, anxiety inducing and unpleasant the whole way through... I don't want to repeat it again. Maybe discomfort is like a growing pain you feel when you push against your nature. Or maybe uncomfortable situations will always be uncomfortable. But now I've proven to myself that I can endure situations like that! It felt good to be proactive in my life, rather than passive.

24/08/24 - Redirecting passion (The Gale Factor)

I want to expand on 'The Gale Factor' that I mentioned in my last entry and reflect on how I redirected my passion for Gale back into my OCs! This entry is pretty long, but I wanted to be thorough for my own posterity! Prior to BG3, I had been trying to rekindle my excitement for my OCs to moderate success (see entry 10/06/23). It was enjoyable, but I wasn't obsessed with them... I wasn't sure if I was capable of being obsessed in the way I used to be about my OCs or other media.

Then I played BG3 and everything changed... I was OBSESSED with Gale in a way I don't think I've been with any character before. That rare feeling returned to me - the 'if I don't draw this I'll EXPLODE!! I MUST draw!' feeling. It was kind of stupefying but also very thrilling to realise I was still capable of that level of passion. But it made me wonder why I felt so strongly for Gale, but not my own characters? What was the Gale Factor?

• A fully realised adult with past relationships, mistakes, regrets...
• A character we meet at his lowest, most vulnerable point.
• Genuinely flawed in a ways that have and will destroy him. Contradictory - ambitious and power hungry... romantic and sincere.
• Visibly aging a little, imperfections, facial hair. HE IS VERY ATTRACTIVE TO ME, but in a way I initially overlooked.

I realised how much my taste had changed since I was a teenager... which seems so obvious in hindsight but wasn't something I was truly cognisant of until recently. The themes, tropes and archetypes that appeal to me have evolved! In the past few years, I really didn't engage with much media outside of the longrunning series I was in a fandom for - I think exposing myself to different media in my break and reflecting on what I liked allowed me to better understand my changing taste.

With 'the Gale Factor' in mind, I revisited my OCs with an open mind, allowing myself to wipe the slate clean on preestablished ideas I had about them.

• In their initial version I wrote as a teen, they were two teenagers who become friends through shared circumstance. There was a supernatural element as well - both were being haunted by ghosts of respective loved ones, and they had to help each other process their grief. I think I was drawn to this because processing grief was an experience I felt was worth writing about and exploring (and still do!). And I liked the supernatural aesthetic. But when I revisit this idea now... it's missing something (I think it's the deeply flawed/self destructive qualities + characters being old enough to regret certain decisions that impacted the course of their life).
• I thought about what ideas I'm grappling with in my life currently - now that I live interstate from my friends and family, the passage of time becomes very apparent. Whenever I return, I feel like I've missed so much - my childhood home and neighborhood is changing, I know less and less about the people I used to know so well, and everyone is visibly aging, which frightens me and makes me deeply uncomfortable, so I wanted to explore it!
• What aspects of Gale could I connect to these characters and this idea? The regret and longing, the yearning for something you can't have, or for a version of yourself you can never return to.
• So what if I transfer this to my characters? I remove the supernatural aspects (because I prefer contemporary settings these days). They become two childhood friends who are inseparable until external circumstances force a rift between them that bring out their flaws. They have a falling out and go their separate ways into adulthood - one stays in their small town, and the other leaves. When reunited many years later, both at their own low points in life, they are confronted with the passing of time and how much they've both changed, how they can never return to the simplicity of their past. Why did their friendship fall apart? What changed in the following years? How did they feel about each other then and how do they feel now? What will they always regret, and what can they make peace with?

Reframing them in this way made me feel optimistically engaged and curious about them! In gradually answering these questions and fleshing out their story more over the months following, I began to genuinely care about them and become... passionate!!!! So much so that I think my passion for Gale was transferred across to them (sorry Gale)! I'm currently working on a page so I can introduce them properly, but they're scattered throughout my site as graphics for now.

I'm realising that passion requires input and patience. I took for granted that when I engage with existing media, someone has already put in the effort to cultivate something compelling to me, but when it comes to creating my own characters and storylines, I need to do that myself, and it takes some time! It's unrealistic for me to expect ideas to occur to me fully formed from initial conception. But part of the motivation and fun of working on these characters is solving that puzzle! In an earlier entry (11/08/23 - The aversion to creating original work), I wrote:

'Maybe I just need to stop expecting every OC and idea to appear to me fully formed before even trying to draw or write it haha. If I stopped shutting my ideas down, maybe I could make something I'm excited about - I guess I just need to give myself the chance.'

...and in hindsight, this was the crux of the issue - I really did just need to give myself some time and the permission to explore other stories and concepts that interested me. Good job past Mallow for realising this hahaha. But geniunely, I think this was a big breakthrough for me - it just took me a few months to put my own advice into practice, and then many more to feel the outcome!

Anyway, thank you if you read all of this! I feel happy that I'm more of a high passion/motivation wave again with my art at the moment, so I hope to ride it out for as long as I can!

18/08/24 - Return!

Hello again! It's genuinely shocking to me that it's been 8 months since I last updated the site... where did the time go? How did it pass so fast?! Thank you to the people who left a note in the guestbook during that time... I feel a bit silly replying so late but I'm very grateful that you stopped by and left a message for me! <3

Although I hadn't given up on the site, I could feel my motivation to return to it waning. This was until my first mutual, Mei, spontaneously got in touch with me! Chatting with her over the past few weeks reminded me how much fun I had working on my site and sharing my art and thoughts and helped me regain my motivation to revamp the site and begin updating again! So if you are reading this Mei... thank you so much!! :3

A lot of aspects of my life have changed, some for better and some for worse. In truth, this year has been very difficult for me, the past two months especially so (mainly due to personal factors), but I am getting through it!

With regards to art... these are the main updates:

• Returned to posting on social media in January this year - so far it has been... fun! I had a huge backlog of Gale (BG3) fanart that I started posting, but I've been mindful of creating exclusively for a single fandom/character, since it's not sustainable for me long term.


• At the height of my Gale obsession, I thought of my ocs I had been tinkering with and why I didn't feel as passionately for them, since I was clearly capable of that level of enthusiasm. What was the 'Gale factor' and how could I apply it to my own work? (the secret is just that he's middle aged and pathetic LMAO... described more thoughtfully, he's a character with a strong backstory, history and past mistakes. This is something my characters lacked in the past, feeling more like a blank slate.) Shockingly, making my characters old and miserable actually made me care a lot more about them FJDHFJD


• Currently having a lot of fun drawing my ocs and developing a story for them!! It's so fun and delightful to be back in this headspace - it reminds me of how I felt as a teenager when I was much more carefree in my approach to creating and sharing art! I would like to make an oc page on the site so I can properly introduce them, but for now, they are the lil guys in the graphics across the site


• Offically stopped posting on my previous social media account and announced my departure! It was so bittersweet seeing people's reactions - I was so touched to read their goodbye messages. It was such a warm farewell that I almost didn't want to go! But I know that in the longterm, it's the correct decision for me, since I feel more comfortable sharing the work I'm genuinely passionate about now on my new account.

There are so many topics I want to discuss - I think I just need to note them down for myself and approach them one at a time. The new site layout was really fun to put together and I feel more clearheaded about updating it going forwards (the gallery page tho... it does have me a bit stumped, ngl... BUT I WILL FIGURE OUT A LAYOUT SOON!)

16/08/24 - The Deleted Entry

While redoing the site, I found an old entry I had hidden in the code... I'm not sure why - presumably I was ashamed or scared to post it, but upon rereading, I'm not sure why I witheld it. Ironically, it was titled...

This entry is over a year old and yet... I still feel this way. I think immersing myself in the type of media I enjoy creating has helped a bit in easing the intensity of the shame and self doubt I feel - it's nice knowing there are places and formats where erotic and transgressive themes can be explored more openly (... though they are often fleeting/at risk of being removed from the web, but that is a discussion for another time!) and there are people who love this type of content too! It also helps to realise a lot of artists + people in general experience this in some capacity - it's normal to conceal parts of yourself in different settings. To create authentically - *truly* authentically - requires a degree of sacrifice that I think I'm still afraid to take on.

Slowly, I've been telling more people I trust in real life that I draw this type of content. I don't always show them, but I think it's been valuable to learn to discern if the hesitation to share stems from shame and embarassment or genuine risk to my livelihood and ability to create. People are not as judgemental as I expect them to be, and I feel a little lighter and freer.. like a wall just got knocked down.

18/12/23 - The past two months

It's been a while since my last update! I could feel the desire to update turning into more of a task that loomed over me and became more overwhelming as time passed, so this is my attempt at breaking that spell and getting back into the habit of updating here!

In rough order, this is what I've been up to since my last update:

• More Gale and Baldur's Gate 3 fanart, still obsessed with the wizard.
• Wrote some fanfics for the first time in years... it was fun but challenging!
• Revisited some old OCs from my highschool days and revamped them.
• Wrote a comic outline for them and started writing a script too!
• Realised I need to create a portfolio again due to some developments at work
• Comic project on hold as I focus my after work hours on portfolio development - I voicechat with my friend regularly for accountability as we work on our portfolios! (Starting with a design project focused on the same characters though.)
• Last month the Gale and BG3 obsession waned a bit, probably bc my PC broke and I couldn't play. It got repaired and now that I can play again, the obsession is back in full force.

My 2023 social media hiatus is coming to a close, and to be honest, I'm really excited about returning. I think this break was really valuable for me - it made me realise many of the work I was making was purely for validation, since I stopped drawing it almost as soon as I started my break. But it's helped me embrace new interests! These are the main things I learned:

• I really like drawing NSFW and erotic art. So much of my aversion towards it was based in fear of what others would think.
• My tastes have evolved since I started my fanart account when I was in university. Going forwards, I don't want to be known as a fandom artist. I just want to make the work that resonates with me, regardless of if it's fandom or original.
• I still have the capacity to be stupidly passionate about things!! I just need to be honest with what I like, and open to change and new experiences. It can't be forced, but it can be encouraged.
• I still enjoy the creative process of making art without external input, but I find true value and fulfilment in sharing my work with others. To me, art is communication.

I think that last point was most important for me to realise! My joy in creating art has never existed purely in a vaccuum, though some work comes closer than others. Communicating ideas with others is what drives me to create and hone my skill. I think the wires of posting art to exchange ideas vs for validation get crossed SO easily. It's something I think I'll continue to struggle with, so I want to keep taking hiatuses like this every few months to help me recalibrate and be honest with myself (maybe just for a month rather than a full year though!)

There's more I want to say, now that I've started typing, but this update is starting to get really long!! These are the things I'd like to touch on in the next updates:

• My OCs and how I ended up caring about them again
• Goals for next year
• Personal social media manifesto - returning to posting on social media and a note to myself on how I want to be/how I want to use socmed
• Portfolio development... why and how

The gallery and media logs are out of date which stresses me out, but it's ok! For now I'll just focus on updating my thoughts here as I think of a way to reorganise the gallery while keeping it easy to update. As for the media log.. well I guess there can be a blank section of time haha. If you made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope you're doing well!

17/10/23 - Passion makes me grow!!

Long time no update! I've been drawing A LOT and having so much fun, so site updates fell to the wayside. But I think now more than ever, while I'm excited and passionate about making art, it's important to document it!

In last months update, I mentioned playing Baldur's Gate 3 and getting really into it, and ,, yeah hahaa I got super obsessed with Gale, and it's made me feel more driven about improving my art, so I can draw him well and do him justice!! (I love him so much I even started writing fanfics,,, this is new terriroty for me HAHA)

I was thinking about how bouts of passion for a drawing certain subject matter are usually accompanied by periods of improvement, and I think the reason is threefold. First, you're generally creating more because you're excited and have lots of ideas. Second, these new ideas usually force you to draw things outside of your comfort zone, so you end up pushing yourself to expand your skillset. And third, I think there's just a degree of care and attention that's more present when you create things you're passionate about, because... you love it!! You want to do it justice.

I've noticed that when I get invested in something new, I usually follow the same pattern with my artwork, where the early stuff is mainly just drawing the characters in pretty static poses, mainly just getting a feel for how to draw them and what works. There's usually a lot of wonky drawings during this stage, but it feels so rewarding when I figure out a better way to capture the character or notice a way to improve. Then the next stage is trying to capture the personality of the character in their expressions or poses, or making silly little comics about them. Usually at this stage, the lewd art starts appearing. Right now, I'm in this stage :P. In the past, the final stage was doing larger illustrations, trying to capture themes and concepts related to the character. So we'll see what comes next!

A part of me wants to diminish my enthusiasm because it's another fandom instead of original work, but I'm trying not to warp my enjoyment into shame, since I think it doesn't really lead to any satisfying outcomes. So I'm going to try make the most of this enthusiasm while it lasts. Honestly, the past 2 months have been a blur, but in a nice way. I forgot how all consuming it is to be so obsessed with a certain character or pairing... I don't think I've felt this strongly since uni. It's all consuming, and bordeline painful at times, especially when I'm trying to work... but it's a nice predicament!

I have,,, a lot of Gale art. I kind of lost track of it all since my last update, but I'll try add it all to the gallery! I'm considering restructuring the gallery to be chronological rather than split into fandoms/subject matter, but I'm not sure yet - something to think on. I also want to start adding some notes to certain pieces - mainly just reflections on what I was focusing on when I drew it, where I see areas to improve vs what I like and so on!

Kind of a long update in the end! If you've read this far, thank you! :D

15/09/23 - Baldur's Gate 3.....

WELL,, last month I said I was going to make comics and be super productive but then I started playing BG3 and frankly, it was all over for me after that haha. It's so fun! I'm having so much fun! It's been so long since I enjoyed a piece of media this much. I really love the all the companion characters that accompany you as well (especially Gale...... omg, it's ridiculous tbh).

I'd like to get back to my goal eventually, but for now, it's so nice to enjoy something so wholeheartedly, so I'm gonna savour it and make all the fanart I want while I'm feeling excited about it! I think if I denied myself and forced myself to make short comics now, I'd just feel kinda sad. Art is really fun for me right now so I want to treasure it.

Anyway, that's also why there's been a lack of updates recently. Tbh I think things will continue to be kinda slow while I play through the game - it's so all consuming hahaha!! But life is good and I'm doing well :D

I've added some BG3 art to the gallery as well!

20/08/23 - Trying even if it's bad

I'm going to try make some short comics, even if they are bad!! I want to learn to become a better writer and see projects through to completion. I spent the past few days looking at some resources for creating short stories, and I found a video that really clicked for me, from an author explaining how she writes short stories and what she thinks about (here!). I found it super informative, especially the part about creating ironic contrast and the importance of transformation. I think having this structure will be helpful as I try to improve.

It also made me think about how these ideas fit with the characters I love most - characters who have to fight against themselves to become who they want to be, or have to betray their own morals to reach a desired goal, or characters who put on a facade to hide their true self. I think these concepts boil down to this idea of ironic contrast.

This desire to make comics intensified after reading Hirayasumi by Keigo Shinzō, which has quickly become one of my all time favourite manga! Reading it just makes me feel excited to live! But also, I adore the characters - all of them are written so honestly, and with so much empathy that it makes my heart hurt - I want to create something that makes people feel strongly, in the way that Hirayasumi does for me. And I adore the art style - the simplicity of the style is so charming, but the mangaka surprises me when small moments are illustrated with so much care and detail and brilliance - seeing these panels catches me off guard, but I think it captures the feeling of surprise when you notice something beautiful in a mundane moment.

I feel daunted! I don't yet have the skill to create works at the quality I want, and I'm still not sure exactly what thoughts and feelings I want to capture in my art. The two things I'm most nervous about are struggling to stay motivated after this bout of inspiration passes, and possibly realising I hate making comics (since I've had mixed feelings in the past). For the motivation issue, I hope that by remembering the media I love and how it makes me feel, I'll remember why I'm trying and continue on. And as for hating the process, I can only find out by doing it. When I think more about the idea of prolific vs good or fun, I feel uncertain. I guess you need to be pretty firm in your reasons for doing it and feel that there's meaning to it. I will do my best and document my attempts!

11/08/23 - The aversion to creating original work

It's been a while since my last update! I've been having a lot of thoughts about original work and why I feel so averse to creating it, even though I so desperately want to. I used to love creating original characters and making up stories for them, but now I find it hard to feel passionate about any character I create. For some reason, it's so much easier to become invested in existing characters and create fanart about them. Initially I thought maybe it was a validation thing - it's easier to get a response to your work when you participate in a fandom, because there's a group of people who already like the thing you like. But now that I'm not posting on social media, the hesitation to create or care about original work persists, and I don't know why.

On one hand, maybe I just prefer creating transformative work based on something that already exsists. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that! But sometimes I feel like I avoid creating original work because I feel ashamed of my own ideas, and I doubt my capability to make a story or characters that anyone could care about. It was so easy when I was younger - back then, I was less critical of my own ideas in the way we normally are as children. I thought my cliche, nonsensical ideas were the best thing ever, and even though now I look back and laugh, younger me was SO serious about them and had SO much fun. Creating original work requires a level of vulnerability and decisiveness that scares me, even when I know I'm the only person who has to see it. It's so hard to turn off the part of my brain that wants to measure and compare. But I want to keep trying!

In the past, I've tried creating OCs based on characters I enjoy making fanart of, changing them until they become their own characters but with that same dynamic I enjoy. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it just feels disingenuous. Playing games like the Sims or most recently, Baldur's Gate 3 sometimes works too for inspiration since it combines creating my own character within an existing framework. But that kind of inspiration never grabs me for long. Maybe I just need to stop expecting every OC and idea to appear to me fully formed before even trying to draw or write it haha. If I stopped shutting my ideas down, maybe I could make something I'm excited about - I guess I just need to give myself the chance.

30/07/23 - Completing a project!

Lately I've been really inspired to make an animatic, so I worked on one over the course of the week and finished it today (You can watch it here!)! While I've started animatics in the past as a teenager, I've never completed one until now. But I think a few changes to my approach helped!

I'd wanted to make an animatic for a long time, and specifically one for Kristoph and Phoenix from AA4 for almost a year! But I didn't quite have the spark to get started. I have a playlist of songs about them that I sometimes imagine animatics to, but hadn't started due to feeling intimidated to take on a project like that, or a lack of time. But I had a pretty quiet weekend and week, and I'd been watching some animatics on youtube that really inspired me! Plus there aren't many krisnix animatics online, so I felt excited to do one with my own interpretation that I haven't seen before! I think it was helpful to immediately jump in before I could doubt myself again.

Last time I tried to make an animatic, I started drawing the frames without any preplanning. When I realised I would have to redo some shots, I got super demotivated and gave up haha. But not this time! I spent some time before starting watching different animatics and observing what I liked and wanted to incorporate in my own, listening to different songs and picking exactly what section I wanted to animate to, and then brainstorming some ideas for each verse and line before making a storyboard. The storyboard was super helpful and make me feel much more assured. Even after that, I sketched out my frames pretty rougly in procreate. After that, when the initial inspiration had died down, I just had the less intensive task of doing cleanup, which was pretty relaxing and easy to do during my lunch breaks and after work. I think this process worked well to make the most of that initial burst of motivation and leave the less thought-heavy stuff to after.

This one was hard for me but kept the motivation going!! I was so tempted to show my partner a WIP, but forced myself to wait until it was completed. I think this helps keep the motivation going, since I was excited to see what she would think of it. So setting this rule meant I *had* to finish it if I wanted to hear her thoughts

I read a blog post recently - the author talked about how aspiring musicians should aim to be prolific rather than good or fun, and that really resonated with me! It helped me feel pride just in the act of making and not get demotivated at the parts that were more tedious, or give up when some parts fell short of my expectations and instead accept imperfection and push forwards. I'd like to try take this mindset forwards from here and see where it leads!

Anyway, these are my learnings from making this animatic - I'm really happy I did it, but excited to make some less time itensive pieces for a bit now! Some other things I've been contemplating in art are the feeling of shame and self-doubt and how it influences me plus something that I'm still not sure how to put into words,, about how I want my work to evolve and about some recent inspirations!

20/07/23 - Posting art on the site

Since I've now made this site about my experiences with creating art, it feels natural to share some of it too. Initally, when I took a hiatus from social media, I intended to not post art online anywhere until next year. But I also think it's nice to have the context of seeing the kind of stuff I draw available on the gallery page.

Part of me wonders if it's ok to go back on my word like that, but posting art here feels very different to sharing it on social media - maybe because I know it won't have the same reach and people will just stumble across it naturally, and there are no likes on each piece. So I'm hoping I don't run into external validation issues again!

If I start to put my focus on making art for the purpose of sharing it here, I'll stop posting it, just to make sure I can keep my focus on my internal reasons for making art for the rest of the year! We'll see how it goes...

Anyway, aside from that, I haven't drawn much since the weekend, mainly just doodling during my lunch break as usual! It's nice just letting ideas marinate a bit. After work I've been spending time working on the site and listening to music.

This hobby of learning html and creating a site has been great! It's so nice to have a creative outlet that doesn't centre around drawing. It means I can take a break from art and the complicated feelings that always surround that process, but still experience the joy of making something. I'm very happy to have it :3

17/07/23 - Studies

I've been doing some anatomy studies over the past few days, mainly practicing simplifying the body into primitive forms and then positioning those in different poses and perspectives + trying different proportions.

I've been doing some life drawing too - last night I felt so frustrated that they weren't turning out the way I wanted them to. I felt like I didn't have the patience or energy to analyse and think carefully about my lines and was instead mindlessly drawing. So the results felt sloppy. But I took a break for the rest of the night and played some Zelda.

Today I thought more about where I was struggling - I think I wasn't being accurate enough with how I placed landmarks like the shoulders and hips, and I was drawing too fast/too many marks without stopping to look at the reference. I also made a reference board of figure drawings I liked, which helped me notice what kind of approach appeals to me most and try incorporate it into my own attempts. When I tried again today, I felt I had a much better time of it!

13/07/23 - Slump

Lately I've been going through an art slump, where everything I draw feels totally off... Everything is stiff and unappealing, and it's demotivating because I feel like last week I was finally hitting my stride with drawing - I was having so much fun and pushing out of my comfort zone in a way I liked! At work I've been doing a lot more environmental concepts too, so characters feel kinda rusty.

I know it means my eyes are improving faster than my hands, and I just need to do some studies to catch up! I've been slowly working through Tom Fox's book since I really admire his simplified approach to anatomy and how he thinks about form first. I feel like form and perspective have always been my weaker points (or at the very least, something that is not intuitive to me and that I feel like I need to be extra mindful of), so I find his book helpful for this. But I've neglected it for a month now.

So even though I'm frustrated with my skills right now, I feel excited to see how I can improve.

02/07/23 - Having fun drawing

It's been fun drawing lately! I started drawing on the ipad more lately, and it's been relaxing to work on things while watching a youtube vid in the background.

I've been drawing a pairing from a game I really like but have been too intimidated to draw! Part of the reason is because their dynamic is complicated and uncomfortable, and I felt uncertain about how to convey it in single images (and I don't have the patience to make comics yet). But now that I've started, it's been a really fun challenge to figure out how to portray this uneasy feeling, and I find myself using colours and lighting setups I haven't tried before. It makes me really excited to draw!

I think I'm starting to feel really good about my decision to not post art on social media this year too. At first, I wasn't sure if it would make a difference, since I wasn't that active to begin with, usually just posting once every month or so. But I feel so much freedom knowing that the only person that I'm drawing for is me. I don't have to worry if the subject matter niche, or how the image will crop on Twitter and how to caption it, and if it's too risque or weird or ugly to post. I can just make the art I want to see, and it feels so refreshing!

30/06/23 - Zines!

A zine is a self published piece of work, usually homemade and presented in booklet form. Zines can be completely original, or collate other work to make something new! They can be about anything. (Eg. a small comic or sketchbook, a collection of poems, a guide to local politions, a collage of ephemera... the list goes on!)

When I was a teenager, I loved zines so much! I would go to zine fairs and buy any that interested me - my favourites from that time are still kept in a little box in my parent's house. I made a few as well, mainly small comics. Recently, I've gotten back into making zines and it's been really fun. It's nice to make something you can hold in your hand at the end, and the culture and intention surrounding zines is awesome too! A lot of the media we engage with day to day is created through a corporate, profit based process, often passing through many people before it reaches the audience, so zines are refreshing because they offer a direct connection between creator and reader! the intent to generate largescale profit is also usually not present in zines, so in that regard, they feel very authentic and true to the creator's heart.

I think it's something I'll continue to do occasionaly! :D

23/06/23 - Celine Loup's talk - 'Finding Your Erotic Truth' (+general update)

I follow Celine on Twitter and saw this talk was available on Gumroad. I really enjoyed it and found that it expanded my view of what kind of art I could make if I keep exploring this avenue. I think it helped me broaden my idea of what erotic art is and that it really is ok to just make whatever you want. I think I tend to judge my own thoughts harshly, but it's hard to be honest about them because I find this stuff kinda embarrassing to talk about!

But I really like drawing erotic stuff, and most of my favourite current artists draw erotic work. I tried to think more about what kind of work I would want to see and make. I drew some last weekend and painted them in watercolour - normally I just consider them rubbish sketches to hide away, but spending the time and effort on them like I do with my SFW pieces felt... nice! I guess I just never afforded my NSFW art that kind of time or respect, and while I don't know if I can show these to anyone, it made me happy and I had a lot of fun!

Off topic, but in general, thinking about Miyazaki's comments about not worrying about story and just drawing scenes that interest him has been really helpful for me. I'm revisiting some old OCs from when I was in highshool, and just drawing them having fun and hanging out has been really enjoyable! I know if I ever wanted to make a comic or something for them, I would need to think more seriously about the storyline, but for now I'm just having fun imagining how they spend their days, how they dress, what they get up to!

13/06/23 - Spider-Man: Across The Spiderverse

*Minor Spoilers for the film!!!*

It was so excited seeing the new Spiderman movie. Into The Spiderverse was so mindblowing when I saw it in cinemas back in 2018. It felt like the medium of animation had been expanded and pushed forwards, and in it's wake we saw a lot more experimental and styalised animations coming out, such as Arcane, Klaus, even Pixar movies like Turning Red and Luca capture a wider range of style. It was so refreshing! And I feel like Across The Spiderverse has raised the bar again. The amount of love and thought that went into that film is so evident, and is a nice reminder of what amazing artists coming together can achieve, which feels important now more than ever.

I just had so much fun. I laughed so hard at times but the film still struck an emotional core and treated all it's characters with empathy. I related to Miles, but I felt his parent's fear and apprehension. Likewise with Spot and Miguel (...sighs,, Miguel....). It was wonderful - very excited for the final instalment!

13/06/23 - Thinking about erotic art again

More and more these days I find myself drawn to erotic art - there are some artists I follow online who draw erotic art, and their work has this really intimate, vulnerable quality. But it's visceral too! And it always really amazes me, because they balance techincal skill and emotion to create work that feels alive. I feel like whenever I draw that kind of work, it always feels stiff and emotionless, which makes it really unsexy haha... kind of defeats the point.

Some art from twitter that I liked this so far month:

Post by @HORIKWAWATARU on 06/06/23 - The general proportion, shape design and colour usage is really appealing to me!

Post by @parowkiwciescie on 02/06/23 explicit!! - The use of colour. The quality of line and the angle. The shades of blue give it a quiet and melancholy feeling.

Post by @klimtsonian on 12/06/23 - I like the subtle brushstrokes. I also like his design and dishevelled/tired expression. The caption combined with his appearance creates such a vivid image in my head!

10/06/23 - 'I'm just sketching what might go in.'

Picking up The Wind Rises art book made me look through some behind the scenes videos about Ghibli and Miyazaki's creative process. I liked this quote from Miyazaki:

'I'm not making a story yet. That's too limiting. I'm just sketching what might go in.'

He said this while doing some early sketches of a film. Hearing it felt like a weight off my shoulders. I have some characters and a loose story idea I think could be fun to draw, but I often get bogged down by story details - figuring out exactly what the theme is and what all the plot beats are - and it becomes so overwhelming that I give up. But maybe I should just try to capture a few visuals that stick out to me, ones that hit an emotional chord that resonates with me!

04/06/23 - Reading 'The Art of The Wind Rises'

I rewatched 'The Wind Rises' from Studio Ghibli back in April and really enjoyed it. A quote from Miyazaki's film proposal really stuck out to me:

'I want to portray a devoted individual who pursued his dream head-on. Dreams possess an element of madness, and such poison must not be concealed. Yearning for something too beautiful can ruin you. Swaying toward beauty may come at a price. '

I feel like this quote highlights the tragedy of The Wind Rises and Jiro's story, the way he sacrificed time with his family and partner (even in her final months) to relentlessly pursue his dream, and is left to stare into the wreckage and human cost of the war plane he invents. It runs counter to many narratives where the protagonist chases their dream and is rewarded in all aspects of life. But often, painful sacrifice is involed - ones that the individual will likely carry with them for the rest of their lives.

ANYWAY, I've been really enjoying this art book! I usually skim over Ghibli Art Of books because they don't have much concept art, which is my main reason reading these kind of books. But the notes on the story and setting, and the few pieces of concept art we do get to see make me appreciate the effort that went into telling this story and understand how all the decisions tie back to the core vision. It's really inspiring! Whenever I watch Ghibli films, I feel happy that I'm alive in this period of time so I can experience them.