this is where i document anything related to creating art, whether it's something that inspired me, a new process i'm trying, or an area i'm struggling with!
18/12/23 - The past two months
It's been a while since my last update! I could feel the desire to update turning into more of a task that loomed over me and became more overwhelming as time passed, so this is my attempt at breaking that spell and getting back into the habit of updating here!
In rough order, this is what I've been up to since my last update:
More Gale and Baldur's Gate 3 fanart, still obsessed with the wizard.
Wrote some fanfics for the first time in years... it was fun but challenging!
Revisited some old OCs from my highschool days and revamped them.
Wrote a comic outline for them and started writing a script too!
Realised I need to create a portfolio again due to some developments at work
Comic project on hold as I focus my after work hours on portfolio development - I voicechat with my friend regularly for accountability as we work on our portfolios! (Starting with a design project focused on the same characters though.)
Last month the Gale and BG3 obsession waned a bit, probably bc my PC broke and I couldn't play. It got repaired and now that I can play again, the obsession is back in full force.
My 2023 social media hiatus is coming to a close, and to be honest, I'm really excited about returning. I think this break was really valuable for me - it made me realise many of the work I was making was purely for validation, since I stopped drawing it almost as soon as I started my break. But it's helped me embrace new interests! These are the main things I learned:
I really like drawing NSFW and erotic art. So much of my aversion towards it was based in fear of what others would think.
My tastes have evolved since I started my fanart account when I was in university. Going forwards, I don't want to be known as a fandom artist. I just want to make the work that resonates with me, regardless of if it's fandom or original.
I still have the capacity to be stupidly passionate about things!! I just need to be honest with what I like, and open to change and new experiences. It can't be forced, but it can be encouraged.
I still enjoy the creative process of making art without external input, but I find true value and fulfilment in sharing my work with others. To me, art is communication.
I think that last point was most important for me to realise! My joy in creating art has never existed purely in a vaccuum, though some work comes closer than others. Communicating ideas with others is what drives me to create and hone my skill. I think the wires of posting art to exchange ideas vs for validation get crossed SO easily. It's something I think I'll continue to struggle with, so I want to keep taking hiatuses like this every few months to help me recalibrate and be honest with myself (maybe just for a month rather than a full year though!)
There's more I want to say, now that I've started typing, but this update is starting to get really long!! These are the things I'd like to touch on in the next updates:
My OCs and how I ended up caring about them again
Goals for next year
Personal social media manifesto - returning to posting on social media and a note to myself on how I want to be/how I want to use socmed
Portfolio development... why and how
The gallery and media logs are out of date which stresses me out, but it's ok! For now I'll just focus on updating my thoughts here as I think of a way to reorganise the gallery while keeping it easy to update. As for the media log.. well I guess there can be a blank section of time haha. If you made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope you're doing well!
17/10/23 - Passion makes me grow!!
Long time no update! I've been drawing A LOT and having so much fun, so site updates fell to the wayside. But I think now more than ever, while I'm excited and passionate about making art, it's important to document it!
In last months update, I mentioned playing Baldur's Gate 3 and getting really into it, and ,, yeah hahaa I got super obsessed with Gale, and it's made me feel more driven about improving my art, so I can draw him well and do him justice!! (I love him so much I even started writing fanfics,,, this is new terriroty for me HAHA)
I was thinking about how bouts of passion for a drawing certain subject matter are usually accompanied by periods of improvement, and I think the reason is threefold. First, you're generally creating more because you're excited and have lots of ideas. Second, these new ideas usually force you to draw things outside of your comfort zone, so you end up pushing yourself to expand your skillset. And third, I think there's just a degree of care and attention that's more present when you create things you're passionate about, because... you love it!! You want to do it justice.
I've noticed that when I get invested in something new, I usually follow the same pattern with my artwork, where the early stuff is mainly just drawing the characters in pretty static poses, mainly just getting a feel for how to draw them and what works. There's usually a lot of wonky drawings during this stage, but it feels so rewarding when I figure out a better way to capture the character or notice a way to improve. Then the next stage is trying to capture the personality of the character in their expressions or poses, or making silly little comics about them. Usually at this stage, the lewd art starts appearing. Right now, I'm in this stage :P. In the past, the final stage was doing larger illustrations, trying to capture themes and concepts related to the character. So we'll see what comes next!
A part of me wants to diminish my enthusiasm because it's another fandom instead of original work, but I'm trying not to warp my enjoyment into shame, since I think it doesn't really lead to any satisfying outcomes. So I'm going to try make the most of this enthusiasm while it lasts. Honestly, the past 2 months have been a blur, but in a nice way. I forgot how all consuming it is to be so obsessed with a certain character or pairing... I don't think I've felt this strongly since uni. It's all consuming, and bordeline painful at times, especially when I'm trying to work... but it's a nice predicament!
I have,,, a lot of Gale art. I kind of lost track of it all since my last update, but I'll try add it all to the gallery! I'm considering restructuring the gallery to be chronological rather than split into fandoms/subject matter, but I'm not sure yet - something to think on. I also want to start adding some notes to certain pieces - mainly just reflections on what I was focusing on when I drew it, where I see areas to improve vs what I like and so on!
Kind of a long update in the end! If you've read this far, thank you! :D
15/09/23 - Baldur's Gate 3.....
WELL,, last month I said I was going to make comics and be super productive but then I started playing BG3 and frankly, it was all over for me after that haha. It's so fun! I'm having so much fun! It's been so long since I enjoyed a piece of media this much. I really love the all the companion characters that accompany you as well (especially Gale...... omg, it's ridiculous tbh).
Gale... the wizard has rizz. Did not expect to get so obsessed, yet here we are.
I'd like to get back to my goal eventually, but for now, it's so nice to enjoy something so wholeheartedly, so I'm gonna savour it and make all the fanart I want while I'm feeling excited about it! I think if I denied myself and forced myself to make short comics now, I'd just feel kinda sad. Art is really fun for me right now so I want to treasure it.
Anyway, that's also why there's been a lack of updates recently. Tbh I think things will continue to be kinda slow while I play through the game - it's so all consuming hahaha!! But life is good and I'm doing well :D
I've added some BG3 art to the gallery as well!
20/08/23 - Trying even if it's bad
I'm going to try make some short comics, even if they are bad!! I want to learn to become a better writer and see projects through to completion. I spent the past few days looking at some resources for creating short stories, and I found a video that really clicked for me, from an author explaining how she writes short stories and what she thinks about (here!). I found it super informative, especially the part about creating ironic contrast and the importance of transformation. I think having this structure will be helpful as I try to improve.
It also made me think about how these ideas fit with the characters I love most - characters who have to fight against themselves to become who they want to be, or have to betray their own morals to reach a desired goal, or characters who put on a facade to hide their true self. I think these concepts boil down to this idea of ironic contrast.
This desire to make comics intensified after reading Hirayasumi by Keigo Shinzō, which has quickly become one of my all time favourite manga! Reading it just makes me feel excited to live! But also, I adore the characters - all of them are written so honestly, and with so much empathy that it makes my heart hurt - I want to create something that makes people feel strongly, in the way that Hirayasumi does for me. And I adore the art style - the simplicity of the style is so charming, but the mangaka surprises me when small moments are illustrated with so much care and detail and brilliance - seeing these panels catches me off guard, but I think it captures the feeling of surprise when you notice something beautiful in a mundane moment.
I feel daunted! I don't yet have the skill to create works at the quality I want, and I'm still not sure exactly what thoughts and feelings I want to capture in my art. The two things I'm most nervous about are struggling to stay motivated after this bout of inspiration passes, and possibly realising I hate making comics (since I've had mixed feelings in the past). For the motivation issue, I hope that by remembering the media I love and how it makes me feel, I'll remember why I'm trying and continue on. And as for hating the process, I can only find out by doing it. When I think more about the idea of prolific vs good or fun, I feel uncertain. I guess you need to be pretty firm in your reasons for doing it and feel that there's meaning to it. I will do my best and document my attempts!
11/08/23 - The aversion to creating original work
It's been a while since my last update! I've been having a lot of thoughts about original work and why I feel so averse to creating it, even though I so desperately want to. I used to love creating original characters and making up stories for them, but now I find it hard to feel passionate about any character I create. For some reason, it's so much easier to become invested in existing characters and create fanart about them. Initially I thought maybe it was a validation thing - it's easier to get a response to your work when you participate in a fandom, because there's a group of people who already like the thing you like. But now that I'm not posting on social media, the hesitation to create or care about original work persists, and I don't know why.
On one hand, maybe I just prefer creating transformative work based on something that already exsists. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that! But sometimes I feel like I avoid creating original work because I feel ashamed of my own ideas, and I doubt my capability to make a story or characters that anyone could care about. It was so easy when I was younger - back then, I was less critical of my own ideas in the way we normally are as children. I thought my cliche, nonsensical ideas were the best thing ever, and even though now I look back and laugh, younger me was SO serious about them and had SO much fun. Creating original work requires a level of vulnerability and decisiveness that scares me, even when I know I'm the only person who has to see it. It's so hard to turn off the part of my brain that wants to measure and compare. But I want to keep trying!
In the past, I've tried creating OCs based on characters I enjoy making fanart of, changing them until they become their own characters but with that same dynamic I enjoy. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it just feels disingenuous. Playing games like the Sims or most recently, Baldur's Gate 3 sometimes works too for inspiration since it combines creating my own character within an existing framework. But that kind of inspiration never grabs me for long. Maybe I just need to stop expecting every OC and idea to appear to me fully formed before even trying to draw or write it haha. If I stopped shutting my ideas down, maybe I could make something I'm excited about - I guess I just need to give myself the chance.
july log
30/07/23 - Completing a project!
Lately I've been really inspired to make an animatic, so I worked on one over the course of the week and finished it today (You can watch it here!)! While I've started animatics in the past as a teenager, I've never completed one until now. But I think a few changes to my approach helped!
Managing scope
Picking a song that I could make an animatic to only referencing half the song, or a verse, rather than needing the whole song to create an animatic I felt satisfied by! I think opting for a shorter length helped make the project more achievable and helped me avoid burning out before completion. In addition, I made the decision early on that it would be in black and white rather than colour, and also not involve any complicated animation or edits, just a sequence of still images. This also made it way more approachable for a first animatic.
Starting while inspired
I'd wanted to make an animatic for a long time, and specifically one for Kristoph and Phoenix from AA4 for almost a year! But I didn't quite have the spark to get started. I have a playlist of songs about them that I sometimes imagine animatics to, but hadn't started due to feeling intimidated to take on a project like that, or a lack of time. But I had a pretty quiet weekend and week, and I'd been watching some animatics on youtube that really inspired me! Plus there aren't many krisnix animatics online, so I felt excited to do one with my own interpretation that I haven't seen before! I think it was helpful to immediately jump in before I could doubt myself again.
Planning ahead
Last time I tried to make an animatic, I started drawing the frames without any preplanning. When I realised I would have to redo some shots, I got super demotivated and gave up haha. But not this time! I spent some time before starting watching different animatics and observing what I liked and wanted to incorporate in my own, listening to different songs and picking exactly what section I wanted to animate to, and then brainstorming some ideas for each verse and line before making a storyboard. The storyboard was super helpful and make me feel much more assured. Even after that, I sketched out my frames pretty rougly in procreate. After that, when the initial inspiration had died down, I just had the less intensive task of doing cleanup, which was pretty relaxing and easy to do during my lunch breaks and after work. I think this process worked well to make the most of that initial burst of motivation and leave the less thought-heavy stuff to after.
Not showing people before it's finished
This one was hard for me but kept the motivation going!! I was so tempted to show my partner a WIP, but forced myself to wait until it was completed. I think this helps keep the motivation going, since I was excited to see what she would think of it. So setting this rule meant I *had* to finish it if I wanted to hear her thoughts
Prolific over Good or Fun
I read a blog post recently - the author talked about how aspiring musicians should aim to be prolific rather than good or fun, and that really resonated with me! It helped me feel pride just in the act of making and not get demotivated at the parts that were more tedious, or give up when some parts fell short of my expectations and instead accept imperfection and push forwards. I'd like to try take this mindset forwards from here and see where it leads!
Anyway, these are my learnings from making this animatic - I'm really happy I did it, but excited to make some less time itensive pieces for a bit now! Some other things I've been contemplating in art are the feeling of shame and self-doubt and how it influences me plus something that I'm still not sure how to put into words,, about how I want my work to evolve and about some recent inspirations!
20/07/23 - Posting art on the site
Since I've now made this site about my experiences with creating art, it feels natural to share some of it too. Initally, when I took a hiatus from social media, I intended to not post art online anywhere until next year. But I also think it's nice to have the context of seeing the kind of stuff I draw available on the gallery page.
Part of me wonders if it's ok to go back on my word like that, but posting art here feels very different to sharing it on social media - maybe because I know it won't have the same reach and people will just stumble across it naturally, and there are no likes on each piece. So I'm hoping I don't run into external validation issues again!
If I start to put my focus on making art for the purpose of sharing it here, I'll stop posting it, just to make sure I can keep my focus on my internal reasons for making art for the rest of the year! We'll see how it goes...
Anyway, aside from that, I haven't drawn much since the weekend, mainly just doodling during my lunch break as usual! It's nice just letting ideas marinate a bit. After work I've been spending time working on the site and listening to music.
This hobby of learning html and creating a site has been great! It's so nice to have a creative outlet that doesn't centre around drawing. It means I can take a break from art and the complicated feelings that always surround that process, but still experience the joy of making something. I'm very happy to have it :3
17/07/23 - Studies
I've been doing some anatomy studies over the past few days, mainly practicing simplifying the body into primitive forms and then positioning those in different poses and perspectives + trying different proportions.
I've been doing some life drawing too - last night I felt so frustrated that they weren't turning out the way I wanted them to. I felt like I didn't have the patience or energy to analyse and think carefully about my lines and was instead mindlessly drawing. So the results felt sloppy. But I took a break for the rest of the night and played some Zelda.
Today I thought more about where I was struggling - I think I wasn't being accurate enough with how I placed landmarks like the shoulders and hips, and I was drawing too fast/too many marks without stopping to look at the reference. I also made a reference board of figure drawings I liked, which helped me notice what kind of approach appeals to me most and try incorporate it into my own attempts. When I tried again today, I felt I had a much better time of it!
13/07/23 - Slump
Lately I've been going through an art slump, where everything I draw feels totally off... Everything is stiff and unappealing, and it's demotivating because I feel like last week I was finally hitting my stride with drawing - I was having so much fun and pushing out of my comfort zone in a way I liked! At work I've been doing a lot more environmental concepts too, so characters feel kinda rusty.
I know it means my eyes are improving faster than my hands, and I just need to do some studies to catch up! I've been slowly working through Tom Fox's book since I really admire his simplified approach to anatomy and how he thinks about form first. I feel like form and perspective have always been my weaker points (or at the very least, something that is not intuitive to me and that I feel like I need to be extra mindful of), so I find his book helpful for this. But I've neglected it for a month now.
So even though I'm frustrated with my skills right now, I feel excited to see how I can improve.
02/07/23 - Having fun drawing
It's been fun drawing lately! I started drawing on the ipad more lately, and it's been relaxing to work on things while watching a youtube vid in the background.
I've been drawing a pairing from a game I really like but have been too intimidated to draw! Part of the reason is because their dynamic is complicated and uncomfortable, and I felt uncertain about how to convey it in single images (and I don't have the patience to make comics yet). But now that I've started, it's been a really fun challenge to figure out how to portray this uneasy feeling, and I find myself using colours and lighting setups I haven't tried before. It makes me really excited to draw!
I think I'm starting to feel really good about my decision to not post art on social media this year too. At first, I wasn't sure if it would make a difference, since I wasn't that active to begin with, usually just posting once every month or so. But I feel so much freedom knowing that the only person that I'm drawing for is me. I don't have to worry if the subject matter niche, or how the image will crop on Twitter and how to caption it, and if it's too risque or weird or ugly to post. I can just make the art I want to see, and it feels so refreshing!
june log
30/06/23 - Zines!
A zine is a self published piece of work, usually homemade and presented in booklet form. Zines can be completely original, or collate other work to make something new! They can be about anything. (Eg. a small comic or sketchbook, a collection of poems, a guide to local politions, a collage of ephemera... the list goes on!)
When I was a teenager, I loved zines so much! I would go to zine fairs and buy any that interested me - my favourites from that time are still kept in a little box in my parent's house. I made a few as well, mainly small comics. Recently, I've gotten back into making zines and it's been really fun. It's nice to make something you can hold in your hand at the end, and the culture and intention surrounding zines is awesome too! A lot of the media we engage with day to day is created through a corporate, profit based process, often passing through many people before it reaches the audience, so zines are refreshing because they offer a direct connection between creator and reader! the intent to generate largescale profit is also usually not present in zines, so in that regard, they feel very authentic and true to the creator's heart.
I think it's something I'll continue to do occasionaly! :D
I follow Celine on Twitter and saw this talk was available on Gumroad. I really enjoyed it and found that it expanded my view of what kind of art I could make if I keep exploring this avenue. I think it helped me broaden my idea of what erotic art is and that it really is ok to just make whatever you want. I think I tend to judge my own thoughts harshly, but it's hard to be honest about them because I find this stuff kinda embarrassing to talk about!
But I really like drawing erotic stuff, and most of my favourite current artists draw erotic work. I tried to think more about what kind of work I would want to see and make. I drew some last weekend and painted them in watercolour - normally I just consider them rubbish sketches to hide away, but spending the time and effort on them like I do with my SFW pieces felt... nice! I guess I just never afforded my NSFW art that kind of time or respect, and while I don't know if I can show these to anyone, it made me happy and I had a lot of fun!
Off topic, but in general, thinking about Miyazaki's comments about not worrying about story and just drawing scenes that interest him has been really helpful for me. I'm revisiting some old OCs from when I was in highshool, and just drawing them having fun and hanging out has been really enjoyable! I know if I ever wanted to make a comic or something for them, I would need to think more seriously about the storyline, but for now I'm just having fun imagining how they spend their days, how they dress, what they get up to!
13/06/23 - Spider-Man: Across The Spiderverse
*Minor Spoilers for the film!!!*
It was so excited seeing the new Spiderman movie. Into The Spiderverse was so mindblowing when I saw it in cinemas back in 2018. It felt like the medium of animation had been expanded and pushed forwards, and in it's wake we saw a lot more experimental and styalised animations coming out, such as Arcane, Klaus, even Pixar movies like Turning Red and Luca capture a wider range of style. It was so refreshing! And I feel like Across The Spiderverse has raised the bar again. The amount of love and thought that went into that film is so evident, and is a nice reminder of what amazing artists coming together can achieve, which feels important now more than ever.
I just had so much fun. I laughed so hard at times but the film still struck an emotional core and treated all it's characters with empathy. I related to Miles, but I felt his parent's fear and apprehension. Likewise with Spot and Miguel (...sighs,, Miguel....). It was wonderful - very excited for the final instalment!
13/06/23 - Thinking about erotic art again
More and more these days I find myself drawn to erotic art - there are some artists I follow online who draw erotic art, and their work has this really intimate, vulnerable quality. But it's visceral too! And it always really amazes me, because they balance techincal skill and emotion to create work that feels alive. I feel like whenever I draw that kind of work, it always feels stiff and emotionless, which makes it really unsexy haha... kind of defeats the point.
Some art from twitter that I liked this so far month:
Post by @parowkiwciescie on 02/06/23explicit!! - The use of colour. The quality of line and the angle. The shades of blue give it a quiet and melancholy feeling.
Post by @klimtsonian on 12/06/23 - I like the subtle brushstrokes. I also like his design and dishevelled/tired expression. The caption combined with his appearance creates such a vivid image in my head!
10/06/23 - 'I'm just sketching what might go in.'
Picking up The Wind Rises art book made me look through some behind the scenes videos about Ghibli and Miyazaki's creative process. I liked this quote from Miyazaki:
'I'm not making a story yet. That's too limiting. I'm just sketching what might go in.'
He said this while doing some early sketches of a film. Hearing it felt like a weight off my shoulders. I have some characters and a loose story idea I think could be fun to draw, but I often get bogged down by story details - figuring out exactly what the theme is and what all the plot beats are - and it becomes so overwhelming that I give up. But maybe I should just try to capture a few visuals that stick out to me, ones that hit an emotional chord that resonates with me!
04/06/23 - Reading 'The Art of The Wind Rises'
I rewatched 'The Wind Rises' from Studio Ghibli back in April and really enjoyed it. A quote from Miyazaki's film proposal really stuck out to me:
'I want to portray a devoted individual who pursued his dream head-on. Dreams possess an element of madness, and such poison must not be concealed. Yearning for something too beautiful can ruin you. Swaying toward beauty may come at a price. '
I feel like this quote highlights the tragedy of The Wind Rises and Jiro's story, the way he sacrificed time with his family and partner (even in her final months) to relentlessly pursue his dream, and is left to stare into the wreckage and human cost of the war plane he invents. It runs counter to many narratives where the protagonist chases their dream and is rewarded in all aspects of life. But often, painful sacrifice is involed - ones that the individual will likely carry with them for the rest of their lives.
ANYWAY, I've been really enjoying this art book! I usually skim over Ghibli Art Of books because they don't have much concept art, which is my main reason reading these kind of books. But the notes on the story and setting, and the few pieces of concept art we do get to see make me appreciate the effort that went into telling this story and understand how all the decisions tie back to the core vision. It's really inspiring! Whenever I watch Ghibli films, I feel happy that I'm alive in this period of time so I can experience them.
